


Se Permaneço ou Me Desfaço

by RushAndTomatoJuice



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Christmas, Deckerstar - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Feelings, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hell Trauma, Hurt Lucifer, Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV) Needs A Hug, Post-Season/Series 04, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, and he gets one, lots and lots of feelings, thoughts of Hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:48:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28317012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RushAndTomatoJuice/pseuds/RushAndTomatoJuice
Summary: When she'd suggested a trip to her mom's cabin for Christmas, Chloe hadn't expected the snow to undo the Devil.
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 16
Kudos: 144





	Se Permaneço ou Me Desfaço

**Author's Note:**

> TITLE TRANSLATION: If I Remain or Fade Away
> 
> Title comes from Brazilian poet Cecília Meireles called Motive:  
> I sing because the instant exists  
> and my life is complete.  
> I am neither happy nor sad:  
> I'm a poet.
> 
> Brother of elusive things,  
> I don't feel joy or torment.  
> I go through nights and days  
> in the wind.
> 
> If I collapse or build up,  
>  **if I remain or fade away,**  
>  \- I do not know, I do not know. I don't know if I stay  
> > or slip away.
> 
> I know that I sing. And the song is everything.  
> It has eternal blood the rhythmic wing.  
> And one day I know that I will be mute:  
> \- nothing more.
> 
> this has not been betaed.
> 
> disclaimer: i own nothing but the plot
> 
> **\- TRIGGER WARNING -**  
>  this story deals with Lucifer's PTSD from Hell. if this could in any way be a trigger to you, I recommend backing out

At first, it had been just too good to be true.

He was back. _Lucifer_ was back from Hell. _Definitively_.

What else could Chloe have asked for?

He was back and he was there, standing at her front door, covered to the very last hair on his head in ash, with the brightest smile she’d ever seen coloring his face, relief oozing from every pore in his being.

He was there, back from Hell, in Los Angeles. In her home. _With her_.

He didn’t flinch when she threw herself at him. His arms went around her, his lips found hers, desperate and relieved and _there_. Too good to be true, but it was. It was real. Lucifer was there. _He was back_. They could be happy again.

* * *

She hadn’t accounted for the nightmares.

Almost every night they spent together, Lucifer woke up startled, grasping at his own throat trying to breathe. The panic in his eyes exuding out of him like a physical gloom. And nothing seemed to help. 

His sessions with Linda didn’t help. Tea, distractions, her presence by his side on the bed as he fell asleep or her soothing’s when he woke up scared out of his own body. Ms. Alien or Trixie’s nightlight hadn’t helped either – not that she’d be telling her monkey that. Her daughter had taken it hard Lucifer being back but not _being_ back. Always lost somewhere in his mind instead of being _there_ with them.

Until one night, it didn’t happen.

Chloe slept soundly through the whole eight hours. She woke up rested and relieved and had thanked God for the first time in her life that Lucifer had had at least one moment of peace. One moment where he could go back to living life like it was normal again, to pretending nothing had changed. That Hell hadn’t scarred him as badly as it had, so deep he could barely hide it from anyone else.

Lucifer had been there when she fell asleep and had woken her up with breakfast the following morning, all smiles and deflections. Too happy that it seemed things were slowly getting back on track, Chloe hadn’t given it much thought aside from being happy for him, from pulling him close and kissing him, basking in the morning light, celebrating some normalcy back into their lives.

To this day, she was still ashamed of how it had taken her a week to realize that his nightmares had stopped because he’d stopped sleeping at all.

Her first clue had been the purple bags marking beneath his eyes like a bruise, barely concealed by his makeup as the days dragged on. Then Lucifer became snappish, lethargic. Paranoid. 

It was the angel of San Bernardino case all over again.

Lucifer’s suits were carelessly put on, his hair was always curlier than he’d usually allow it to be, his scruff longer than normal. His breath stank of scotch more often than it didn’t. He smelled of cigarettes almost daily. His eyes were bloodshot on most days and his temper was shorter than his patience.

Until one session with Linda changed everything.

He showed up at her door in the middle of the night, dried tear tracks staining his cheeks, eyes glassy, shaking with a cold only he could feel. He broke down in front of her eyes, collapsing into her, his tears hot in her neck as he let all the pain pour out of him in silence.

Her touch had been soft as she’d pulled him inside, helping him pick up the pieces of his shattered soul, hoping this was the step forward he needed to leave Hell behind for good.

* * *

That had been two months ago. 

Progress had been slow, but it was there. Chloe could see it in the way Lucifer’s smile was freer now, how his usual spark had returned to his eyes and that glowing, bubbly exuberance and delight of living and being alive filled his soul again.

His nightmares gradually disappeared, and her Lucifer was back. Fun and inappropriate Lucifer, with a brightness bigger than himself that lit up the room around him. He was back at performing at Lux, helping her with cases full time – and sober for once. He’d even made amends with Dan.

And the two of them? They’d finally had a chance to make things right. Start off properly without first murderers or Goddesses or misunderstandings and setbacks between them. 

And it had been good, so, so good.

Now it was Christmas time, and for once Chloe was glad for it. This was their chance to relax, to hide away from the world for a couple of days, surrounded by the people they cared about so they could pretend everything was alright until it became the truth.

She hadn’t expected it to be a disaster.

* * *

“So, what do you think?” Chloe asked as she turned yet another page on her latest report, her mind a thousand miles away, lost somewhere daydreaming about Christmas and possibilities.

Despite the insane increase in crime rates around the year-end holidays, this season wasn’t being as unbearable as Chloe had expected it to be. Mostly because of – and she hated to admit to it – how everything else had been worse in comparison. From Kinley’s manipulations to Lucifer leaving for Hell and all the traumas she’d had to watch him crumble under when he finally rose back from that terrible place.

Last year had ended with her in misery, and that had dragged on through all of this one until now. Now, Chloe was ready for it all to finally go away and to let go of all the heartbreak and the hurt that still lingered between Lucifer and her even as they tried to move on.

Christmas was the perfect opportunity for it.

“Hm?” Lucifer asked, his own mind miles away.

“Spending Christmas on my mom’s cabin up on the mountains. Trixie’s been asking to see snow for a while now, so.” It was the only thing Trixie talked about nowadays, ever since one of her friends at school had bragged to her about it. “Besides, it might be nice to get away from LA for a bit.”

The sudden taste of bile that rose up her throat was a familiar occurrence lately, always sneaking up on her unwanted, along with the tainted memories of her time in Rome. Despite the delighting moments she’d had with Trixie there, the trip was still a weight of guilt in her soul, a weight she couldn’t keep carrying for any longer.

“It’s big enough to fit everyone.” Chloe carried on, consciously ignoring the offput tone in her voice. “Dan’s gonna spend Christmas with us anyway, and I know Ella’s not going to Detroit this year, so. It might be nice.”

Her eyes expectantly found Lucifer’s, but what met her was a startled, wide eyed gaze. Regret always formalized as a hurtful pang in her chest every time she made him remember of her catastrophic past mistakes and all the heartache that followed. But this was it for her, the perfect chance to relax somewhere she wasn’t swarmed with pain so they could finally scrub their relationship clean of all the mud of past misunderstandings and hurts between them.

“So? What do you think?

“Uh, sure, I suppose.” Lucifer agreed, even as his voice sounded hoarse, even when she knew his heart wasn’t in it. “If it’s what you desire.”

His tone didn’t sit right with her, like a foresight, begging her to listen. A clear warning that things wouldn’t be so simple as she was hoping for. Chloe wished she’d listened to it, but in that moment, the chance to move on was too perfect to waste.

* * *

Things piled up and the week passed her by in a flash. It was like Chloe blinked and the holidays were all there, knocking at her door. All her hopes and expectations for this trip staggering like a lump in the back of her throat.

Still, she swallowed past all the doubt and settled Trixie into her car. Chloe got in and made her way to Lux before she could go pick up Dan and head to Lake Tahoe, thanking the early hour for the bearable traffic in the highway, whishing it could carry on for the rest of their journey.

Despite a couple mishaps, the trip up to the cabin had been a good one. Even if Lucifer and Dan had barely managed to stop bickering for two minutes, and Disney songs had played nonstop to the point Chloe thought she’d go mad. Still, they’d all survived.

Which was more than could be said about Linda’s car. Keeping Maze and Amenadiel together in a tight compartment for hours on end had been a lesson they had all learned the hard way. Who knew not even the Devil’s therapist could calm down a demon and a literal Angel of the Lord with more than a bone to pick at each other?

Traffic had been light enough to allow them to arrive at the cabin just a few after lunch like Chloe had hoped they would. She just hadn’t accounted for her mom’s total lack of preparation. She’d said she’d join them for Christmas this year, yet when they arrived, Chloe only found a note confirming her absence and a few poorly wrapped gifts under a barely hanging tree.

That had been a few hours ago. Hours they’d all spent settling into the cabin as they sheltered from the cold, so unusual in LA. They’d gotten it all almost done, had chosen rooms, stocked food, and even looked around for the rest of the Christmas decorations Chloe was sure she’d left behind the last time they’d spent Christmas there a few years back.

Now the day was nearing its end, along with all their settling in. It had been a long one that had started all too early, with too many hours driving and too many chores to do, with only a few quick breaks outside with Trixie so her monkey could enjoy herself for a while.

“Look, mom! It’s snowing!” Trixie said, looking back at her from her place perched close to the big windows that overlooked the main lake outside and the winter landscape. A thick blanket of white covered most of the scenery as snow fell in soft flakes turned golden as the sun neared the horizon. “Can we go outside, mommy? Please?” Her monkey pleaded, her brown eyes full on wide and begging.

“Of course, baby. But just until the sun sets, okay?” Chloe argued back, amusement filling her chest as she watched her daughter run to the door in her haste to see the snow finally falling. “Put your coat on properly, Trixie!”

Chloe reached for her own coat, watching Trixie’s excitement settle into the others who got up to join them in different paces – Ella running as excitedly as her monkey for her coat while Maze and Lucifer looked like they’d rather do anything else, lingering back on their places by the fire.

She smiled at him, affection bursting out of her as she watched him light up like the sun gracing the world outside. She chuckled as she made her way outside, trusting nothing could keep Lucifer away for long.

Chloe took a second to breathe in the clean air as she stepped into the snow, smelling cleanliness and fresh nature in a way Los Angeles rarely could these days.

She was glad to just hang back as her friends dominated the main snow patch in front of the cabin, feeling the joy so clear in their faces. She could see Trixie and Ella budding up to build a snowman taller than the both of them, Dan and Amenadiel off to one side deep in conversation, and Linda trying to get Maze to enjoy the moment, even as her roommate looked like she’d been asked to do the dishes.

It was nice to see everyone together, enjoying a quiet moment for once, but it made her feel Lucifer’s absence like a physical thing, her side unusually cold without him there.

Chloe turned around to search for him, her eyes trained to spot his dark hair towering above everything else as she was wont to do whenever she came by Lux. She found him just outside the cabin, barely in the snow, looking paler than the world around him. His eyes glazed over as he stared at nothing in particular, and her gaze found his just in time to watch as he collapsed into the white, clawing at his hair, pushing the falling snow away from him, muttering, panicking, melting.

Chloe opened her lips, drawing in air, her tongue curling around the familiar, recomforting syllables of his name, but whatever traces of voice were formed in her throat came out in fearful, choked out gasps as she ran to him.

* * *

He’d tried.

He _had_ , he really had. He’d tried and tried to look at her, for her. His Detective. He’d tried to see the snow she’d promised, stretching out far before him, covering everything in white – grey – and falling and falling and falling until it consumed everything in its wake, choking him in ash.

Maybe he hadn’t left Hell after all.

The thought came with a paralyzing wave of fear, the likes he hadn’t felt since his Father had him wait His judgement right before his Fall. That old dread of manipulation overtook his soul, false hope and an illusion of choice clawing at his insides as Lucifer clawed at his hair, pushing and pushing the ash away, but it just kept on falling. Always coming back to haunt him, no matter how hard he tried to fight it back.

His lungs burned as he struggled to breathe, his ribs closing in too tight, the pressure in his chest making him desperate enough to want to rip his own heart out, if only it would stop the ache. He was in too tight, feeling too constricted, too retained, and he reached for his heavy coat, once dark like his soul, only to find it prickled with white – _grey_ – flakes. The sight of it so corrupted sent his mind slipping away as fear burst out of him along with his desperate gasps, the cold in the air burning him inside.

Lucifer batted his hands at his clothes, anguished as the ash refused to let him be, sticking even tighter to him, always falling and falling and falling. A scream welled up inside his throat, fighting for release against his labored breaths and still unable to escape, forcing him to swallow it down.

It was all just too much, _too much_. Too much feeling, too much pain, too much panic. Too much at the same time. And no matter how hard he fought, no matter how hard Lucifer tried to escape, to scrub himself clean of all the ash, it just kept on falling, dragging him back, showing him his efforts were worthless.

But then warmth reached out for him.

It trapped his wrists, constricting like his fear as it kept him from pushing the ash away and tearing himself apart in the process. Eventually, it reached out to cup his cheeks, surrounding his heart, giving him a point to focus on, a safe place to hide out the storm.

His Detective. Of course.

His gaze found focus again on her familiar features, her hair just as golden as he remembered in this white nightmare, her eyes the same blue as the sky, stormed over with fear like the ever-present cloud of soot above them, always raining ash.

Lucifer tried to focus on her, on her voice, on her gaze, on her warmth… but it just felt so wrong, and it hurt him even more, until even the gold in her hair was dimmed, specked with white ash.

She shouldn’t be there.

She _couldn’t_ be there.

He couldn’t condemn her to Hell.

It was all his fault.

He was corrupting her.

_She was in Hell and it was all his fault._

* * *

Lucifer didn’t see the steps as he turned around, fighting his way through the mountains of ash outside as he tried to run away from his traumas, making his way inside in a flurry of limbs.

He disappeared through doors he could barely remember, fear lingering in the pit of his stomach and rising up his throat, making him taste bile as his body tried to warn him off, but his will to move was stronger than any conscious command. His path all blurred out into itself until Lucifer found himself standing in the bathroom of the room he was to share with the Detective. 

Dread stuck to his skin as he closed himself behind one last door, justice and deserving, rightful punishment settled in his soul.

He shed his ashen clothes, letting them fall to the floor without a care as he let the constant stream from the shower drown his thoughts, at first just to banish the cold that rattled his bones, and then to banish the ash from his mind.

Lucifer reached for the sponge and ran it over his skin. He ran, and ran, and ran, until he’d scrubbed himself raw, until his skin gave up and turned red like the monster he was beneath it all.

And then he scrubbed himself some more.

His fingers ached as he gripped at the sponge like it was his lifeline, his arm protested the continuous, straining movements, but Lucifer carried on, hoping to finally scrub himself clean from the stench of Hell, clean enough to be worthy of her.

Knocks sounded at the door, his Detective, he was sure. Her knuckles were insistent as they rasped on the frame, until eventually it also stopped. And all throughout, he was still afraid to find out what waited for him on the other side, if he would still be able to open it.

* * *

“Lucifer?” Chloe called for him through the bathroom door, worry bleeding out of her and into the air, threatening to suffocate her in return. Her knuckles rasped on the wooden frame as the minutes stretched on, her ear pressed close to the door in a vain attempt to get any clue about Lucifer’s mind state, though only the sound of falling water was strong enough to bleed through.

Chloe sighed as she closed her eyes, trying to swallow down her own panic. She couldn’t shake the sight of Lucifer on his knees in the middle of the snow, his hands buried deep in his hair as his mind spiraled out of his control. The sight of him, so terrified and scared out of his body had shaken her to her core. She felt nauseated, simply just standing by, watching, unable to get through to him as his conscience melted into fear.

“Lucifer?” Chloe called again, feeling the desperation in her voice wiring her, her distress trumping whatever concerns she’d had about preserving Lucifer’s fraying remains of privacy. “Lucifer, I’m coming in, okay?”

She waited a heartbeat, then another, and another. When she heard no protest, Chloe opened the door, braving her way into the misty bathroom as she felt her heart beating inside her throat.

It was easy enough to make out Lucifer’s form under the shower spray, and for a second she almost thought everything was alright, her concerns were unfunded. Until she got close enough that the water stream couldn’t muffle his pained cries anymore.

Chloe’s eyes focused on his movements, hard and repetitive as he scrubbed himself raw with the bath sponge, his skin looking frail and red all over him, his motions mimicking his earlier flails as he pushed the snow away.

Seeing him on the ground, his eyes lost as snow feel all around him, streaking his dark hair with specs of white brought back memories of his return a few months back, the relief that night brought to her now turning into anguish. Chloe had almost been able to breathe in Lucifer’s desperation, taste the bitterness of his fear as she witnessed Hell claiming his mind, snow blending in with ash.

And once again, she watched as trauma threatened to tear Lucifer apart.

Only this time, she was determined to do something about it.

She shed her coat and shoes as she rushed to the shower, getting inside without any preambles or second thoughts to the scalding water soaking her clothes.

“Lucifer?” Chloe called for him again, her voice as soft and nonthreatening as she could make it, but it didn’t register with him. She moved her hands slowly, careful as she only let it hover over his shoulder, too afraid to hurt him even further if she touched him. Up close, his skin looked even worse.

The mere potential of contact made him jerk back into himself, turning around with fear filling his wide-eyed gaze. His breaths came out labored as he pushed himself into the back wall. She never thought the day would come when Lucifer made himself look small, terrified out of his mind.

“Chloe-” His voice was hoarse around her name as anguish took over his face. “No, I- You can’t be here. You can’t…” He sounded so pained that Chloe almost let it all go and pulled him close.

She was brought back into the moment when he began to scrub himself with renewed energy, distressed little whimpers leaving his lips and cutting straight into her soul as he continued to hurt himself to the point of drawing blood.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay. Focus on me, yeah?” She kept on repeating it like a mantra, tentatively attracting his eyes to hers as doubt and hope raged a war in his gaze.

She carefully reached for the sponge, slowly peeling it off of his grip even as he fought to hold it at first. Her free hand went to cup his cheek, drawing his focus away from the sponge as his eyes bored on hers, pleading, begging to be saved from his own mind.

“Hey, it’s okay. This isn’t Hell, Lucifer. I promise.”

The mere mention of Hell made him whimper, his eyes breaking free from her gaze as he searched back for the sponge, curling further into himself as he was taken by tremors.

“It’s just snow. Cold and white. It’s not ash.” She repeated on and on again, until it spurred him to take the last step forward.

Lucifer’s arms wrapped around her waist as he melted into her, pulling her under the shower spray along with him. She buried her hand in his curls, still afraid to put too much pressure in his reddened skin, as she kept on whispering sweet nothings in his ear, feeling as her works broke him further into trembles and whimpers, until he could start to pull himself together again.

* * *

At least his skin hadn’t been as bad as it had first appeared to be. It still looked frayed at some spots, abrased, but the worst of the red had disappeared along with the hot water as it turned cold, expelling them from the shower.

Lucifer followed after her, pliant, even as Chloe wrapped a towel around his shoulders, careful not to harm him further. He stayed monosyllabic on the few times he even answered, his eyes downcast as he flinched from contact until the last drop of water was dried.

He went straight towards his suitcase the moment he stepped back into the room, going through the familiar motions of reaching for fresh clothes as he tried to forget what still lingered in his mind. After all these years of knowing him, she knew how he viewed his suits as an expansion of his walls, a physical manifestation of his defenses to protect himself.

Chloe wished he could feel safe enough someday to know he didn’t need it around her.

Lucifer flinched with every step closer she took and when she reached out to touch his arm, even as his name fell softly from her lips. It made his eyes raise tentatively to meet hers, vulnerability shining bright through their chocolate brown even as the tears that welled up his eyes threatened to hide it.

“I-” His voice failed as he tried to speak, making his gaze fall back to the shirt wrinkling in his grip. “I-” A sob swallowed whatever words he was trying to say, breaking the last barrier on Chloe’s self-control.

She rushed to wrap her arms around his waist, laying her head between his shoulder blades – between the scars that weren’t physically there anymore – as she let her tears flow along with his.

Chloe felt the grief coming out of him in waves as he shoulders shook. He pressed back into her, his grip tightening on his shirt, as he trusted her to keep them both up. At long last it felt as if the burden of Hell was finally lifting from Lucifer’s soul.

Silence gradually filled the space his pain had occupied, his breathing returning to normal until she felt dried out of tears. His shoulders sagged as the seconds dragged on, until it seemed like he was about to fall over from exhaustion. Chloe gently took the shirt from his grip before pulling him to bed, gladly melting under the covers as she waited for him to join.

She sighed when he tentatively scooted closer, glad to be able to wrap her arms around him, to have his warmth pressing so close to her soul. She could feel the tremors raking his body, the desperation in his grip as he clung to her, his fingers bruising in her hip.

Chloe could feel him muttering, his mouth working around words that barely left his lips in whispers as distress claimed his soul. But the panic was different this time. It was borne out of familiarity, repetition. Expectation.

A distress built in from years and years of trauma.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He whispered, whimpered, terrified. He curled tightly into himself, hiding his gaze from hers even as he pressed closer, afraid of retribution but more afraid of being left alone.

It made her think of a young boy with eyes too bright and a head crowded with riotous curls, standing before his Father, on his knees, begging for his life, apologizing, promising to be better, hoping he could be enough. Crying as he begged for the love he should’ve been given freely and had instead been ripped away from him.

She could see him older now, all gangly limbs he hadn’t grown into yet, but with a heaviness to his shoulders already, a consuming rage he couldn’t control. She could see it carrying into his adult years, fueling the nonconformity he’d fought against his entire life, the wrongness he couldn’t overcome.

It had been there that night so long ago now where everything had turned on them, when Chloe had doubted him, even if only for a split second. Betrayal had shone in his gaze as armed police surrounded him, Reverend William’s dead body at their feet, and yet Lucifer’s eyes had remained true on hers. Her opinion all that had mattered to him in that moment, even when others had failed him so thoroughly before.

Chloe had also felt his pain when he’d barged into her house, only to find her nose bleeding, poisoned by the crazy professor. It had been strongest when he’d disappeared on her, only to return from Vegas two weeks too late with someone else hanging from his side. The pain had been especially bright in his eyes as he forced the words out, saying they should remain just friends.

It was there when she first let Pierce in, when she snapped at him and he snapped at her in return in his lack of sleep. It was there when Lucifer just made it all that much harder for her heart when he tried to prove he was better, meaning well but still being all too clueless about how to express himself.

It was there when he found out she was going to marry someone she didn’t love and when she saw what his Father did to him, the scars from his Fall and the scars from his own hatred. All those times, she’d witnessed as his spark faded from his eyes, his pain too unsurmountable to be outlived.

But out of all of those, the worst had been when she’d betrayed him. When she had let the world confuse her, tell her who her partner was supposed to be instead of who she’d gotten to know so well. It still dragged on her soul, how she’d fallen prey to Kinley, how she had almost destroyed the best thing to ever happen to her, the best partner she could’ve ever asked for, because the world was truly bigger than she’d been able to handle under stress.

“You don’t have to apologize for anything, babe.” Chloe whispered as she threaded her hands through his hair before placing a kiss on his forehead. “But I do.”

“Chloe?” Vulnerability shone bright in his eyes as he finally met her gaze, but instead of guilt, she felt the freeing grace of peace.

“I should’ve thought this through. I shouldn’t have made you come up here.” Chloe ruminated, her hand running through his hair to comfort him as much as it was to comfort herself. 

Realistically, she knew she couldn’t have anticipated the snow would trigger him back into his memories of Hell, but she’d felt the conversation at the precinct had made him uncomfortable. It had struck her like a forewarning. She shouldn’t have prioritized her twisted misconceptions of fixing things and ignored the signs he was giving her.

“Darling, please. If you were coming, nothing would’ve kept me away.” Lucifer tried to smile, but it was a weak thing, fragile like she imagined he must be feeling.

She pushed his curls out of his eyes, feeling the prickling of his scruff as she ran her thumb over his cheek. “You shouldn’t have to.” She whispered as her voice cracked, overwhelmed with the tears that welled up in her eyes.

“I- I don’t understand.” She could hear the fear creeping into his tone, the uncertainty sweeping over his gaze as he met her eyes with dread.

“What you want is important, too.” She whispered to him, like it was a secret, and her heart wrenched as she watched the wonder blooming in his eyes.

 _“Oh.”_ His eyes filled with tears and he swallowed dry, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down his throat as he tried to contain his emotions.

She didn’t need him to say anything else. Chloe knew how, despite being the most sociable person she’d ever known, words seemed to fail him when he needed them the most. But after years of working together and being together, being friends and something more and strangers and friends again, lovers at long last… words weren’t needed anymore.

She’d learned how to read his gaze, she’d mapped his smiles, memorized every subtle hint in his posture, every tick, every jitter, every laugh. She knew he was never considered, never put in first place by his Father, his family, the few friends he’d ever made.

Not anymore.

“What do you need?” Chloe asked, feeling all the love she felt for him bleeding out of her. She hoped he could feel it, the surety and the warmth of it. He already doubted – _it_ – himself so much…

“I…” Lucifer struggled to form words even as he pulled her closer, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist. “It’s- This. This is enough.” He whispered into her neck, a little content smile stretching his features. “But maybe a session with Linda later.”

* * *

The sun broke through heavy grey clouds at long last on Christmas morning, it’s golden light illuminating the winter landscape outside the cabin, still covered to the nines in horrifically cold snow. It shone over his more peculiar friends already out there knee deep in the outrageous piles of flakes, yelping as they dodged snowballs and giggled their glees away.

Inside, though, Lucifer was immersed in a world of warmth, completely apart from the outside. The sun shone bright through the panoramic windows, its gentle rays finding him in one of the soft leather armchairs overlooking the view, under a thick blanket as Chloe snuggled up into him.

He let out a content sigh as she shifted by his side, drawing even closer to him. She rested her head on his chest, wrapping her free arm around his waist, and Lucifer felt at peace. He welcomed her closer as he placed a kiss at the crown of her head, inhaling the clean scent of her shampoo before pulling away.

A smile slowly took over him as he rose his own mug to his lips and took a sip, glad for the warmth that filled him entirely. It stretched from the very tips of his hair to the deep confines of his soul, ease settling into him like he’d never known before.

His tongue tasted of sugar as he licked the remains of the whipped cream from his upper lip, breathing in deep the comforting smell of hot chocolate as he tried to ingrain every single detail of that moment in his mind.

The calming comfort of having Chloe so close to him, the heat from his mug seeping into his palm, the warmth of the sun gentle on his skin as it bathed them both. Lucifer took a second to memorize the weight of the blanket and the love surrounding him so thoroughly in that moment, that infectious sort of joy that had been going around taking over him at long last.

For the first time since coming topside, in that armchair in a faraway cabin in the middle of the snow, holding Chloe so close… Lucifer felt completely safe, like he finally belonged. He inhaled the scent of peace, and he couldn’t smell the sulfur anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> merry christmas! hope everyone is safe!
> 
> thank you all for reading <3 comments and kudos highly appreciated!


End file.
